Good Day/Bad Day hurtingverymuch: Did anyone have a real good day and then it just turns to sh*t?
In a nutshell, that was my day yesterday. Had a good day, was strong not sad, confident, was actually to the level in my thinking (driving on the way home), I don't know if I'd take him back even if he wanted to come back (trust me that's a really good day for me). Went and looked at a couple of places to live and actually found one that I really liked which even made me feel better.
Well, it started going down the drain the minute I got home. My parents were waiting for me at my place. My mom was going to help me get the place ready for an open house. That was cool, they've been real supportive and helpful since this whole thing started.
Well, it's not 15 minutes later my s2bx calls and says he has my mail and wants to come visit our son (great timing and thanks for the notice). Tell my parents that he's coming by and of course they think they should leave (awkward situation for everyone if they are there when he comes by). Now they're upset with me too. The thing is we don't have any type of signed agreement in place yet (lawyer's still working on that) for anything, finances, visitation/custody, etc. So I'm worried that if I don't let him come by that he'll get the wrong idea and get upset and use this against me (don't know if he would but you never know - there's that trust issue again). So I let him come over and by this time I'm very stressed. He shows up and I'm very "businesslike" (cold might be a better word - he probably thought I was being a b*tch), didn't mean to be but like I said I was pretty stressed and it's still not really easy for me to see him yet without my heart going to pieces and me becoming a blubbering mess in front of him. I'm trying to put some emotional distance between him and my heart (building a little wall if you like). Well, IMO, he starts acting like a little kid and says maybe I shouldn't have come at all, mainly because I'm being "cold". Now I'm riding this huge guilt trip because I think I've made him feel bad about coming to see his son, and he wants to leave. Sheesh, will things get easier at some point??
Then I find out my mail is now going to his new palce (when he moved he filled out forms at the post office to have his mail forwarded to his new place). Well APPARENTLY, the post office doesn't look at the name but just the address so ALL mail is now getting directed to his place. Great!! So s2bx says that I should go down to the post office and straighten this out. Well, couldn't bite my tongue so I said "You're the one who moved out". Yikes, did I just say that?
I told him that his coming over and me seeing him was just still really hard for me to deal with.
I just wish I could get over this thing where I don't feel like crap when we're together. I'm also hoping to get some sort of visitation structure or schedule in place where it's not such a last minute thing.
Well, I think I've ranted long enough. Sorry this post is so long and thanks for listening.
Hugs
Hurt
Re: Good Day/Bad Day justmenow: You'll go through your moments. Sounds to me like he was ticked off that he didn't get the hearts and flowers treatment when he blessed you with his presence. I would have done the same thing you did (complete with the guilt) so don't feel bad.
As far as the mail, My stbX is just notifying all the people who send him things (magazines, credit cards, etc.) of his new address and has given me "permission" to throw the junk mail out. However, I do set certain things aside for him to pick up when he comes to get the kids for his every other weekend visitation. Good for you for speaking your mind to him - don't ever feel bad about that. I think if I would have done that more (1) I would be in a happy marriage or (2) I wouldn't have wasted so much of my life with him.
It took me a month and a half before I could look at my stbX without much emotion. Give yourself time. Handle it however you want - nobody will fault you for that. ;) *especially me* because guess what?? You're ONLY HUMAN!!
Re: Good Day/Bad Day grober: hurtingverymuch,
It takes a while to get that emotional distance you need. For months after my divorce was final every time I saw my X I would get upset for a couple of days. His comment that made you feel guilty was probably meant to do just that.
My X knew what buttons to push to make me feel bad. When she didn't get the "hearts and flowers treatment" she would play hurt or angry (both of which would make me feel guilty) to get a more sympathetic response from me. While she still can throw a guilt trip my way, now I just skip the guilt and go straight to anger. I know when she is trying to manipulate me and it gets her nowhere.
I actually don't see my X that often. When I do it is unintentional. I try to stay in touch with my nephew and occasionally cross paths with my X.
It will definitely get easier. You mentioned that the visitation isn't formally agreed to yet. Once that is in place, you can start setting some boundaries (maybe you can start before then). You will get more distance from him and your old relationship, the guilt you feel about pushing back will lessen. You have a life too, you know. That is something your STBX will have to understand.
Good luck.
Re: Good Day/Bad Day hurtingverymuch: Thanks you guys for your support and advice. I know it will take some time before he doesn't have that effect on me anymore. He's a hard habit to break.
Hugs!
Hurt
