getting over an affair
The Lowdown on Cheating
Weil offers her clients some specific exercises for healing. In one, the betrayed spouse gets 10 minutes a day to "lash the lover" -- to scream and yell and otherwise vent his rage. This enables the betrayed to get out those ugly feelings, while the cheater knows there's a time limit -- which is essential. "If you lash out too much, it contaminates the relationship and brings the person back to the affair," says Weil.
To provide more security, she also instructs adulterers to say "I have had no contact" to their partner every day. This provides a clearly articulated answer to those vague fears that nag the wronged spouse.
Finally, Weil tells cheaters that they must do penance by taking on a chore that is normally not their responsibility, like washing the spouse's car or cooking dinner each night. "Penance should last for as long as the betrayed spouse needs," says Weil.
Of course, credit card statements and clean cars are only part of the equation. To really build trust, the betrayed needs to know that the partner definitely won't cheat again. But how to know? There's no guaranteed sign, but our experts agree that the overall pattern of the spouse's behavior is a good indicator. "The issue is, 'Am I married to a liar?,'" says Glass. "People who have affairs lie about them, but the majority of these people don't lie about other things."
Kirshenbaum agrees. In her 25 years as a couples therapist, she has discovered a reliable rule of thumb: "If someone cheats once, a couple can definitely recover if they both sincerely want to rebuild trust. More than once? It's a lost cause."
Most couples do recover -- and usually emerge closer than ever. "Couples who learn how to work through it together really have a special relationship because it's like going to hell and back," says Glass. "This is a couple who know each other on a very deep level, and that can make the marriage very strong."
Re:getting over an affair heelblue: I was recently cheated on and have been looking for some source of help here.
Those look like good exercises...however, in my situation there were trust issues (not infidelity) there before this. Also, her previous marriage ended the same way. So there are major obstacles to get through.
Thanks for the good information!
Re:getting over an affair JASPER: Hey notmyself where were you about 7 years ago with this information!
If a person cheats more than once it's a lost cause wish I would have know that before trying to work out something that was never going to work to began with.
Re:getting over an affair notmyself: jasper,
7 years ago, hmm.... i still was thinking something like this would never happen to be. i was still living in a fairy tale dream. sorry to be so late. ;)
Re:getting over an affair heelblue: I don't think any of us ever think something like that will happen to us...so in a sense we are all in a big fairy tale...the endings are just up in the air.