A rough beginning StressedNewlywed: This is so unlike me to feel like posting my problems for advice. I'm the type of person to find solutions and to never be stumped but I guess I just feel like talking about it. I read some of the other posts and it makes me feel a little better knowing there are several people out there in the same boat as myself.
I am 27 years old and I have always been very careful about settling down to a marriage commitment until last Thanksgiving when my husband and I tied the knot. We didn't officially date but for about 3 months but we have been friends for about 7 years. There had always been some underlying mutual passionate feelings between us but we never acted upon them until I seperated from my last relationship of 3 years. Anyway I fell head over heals in love with him and we married on Nov. 25, 2004.
I found out I don't know him as well as I thought I did. He has a severe nasty temper that seems to be irrational at times. The Wed. before Christmas he flushed his wedding band down the toliet which washed back up into the toliet two days ago. We have had three major fights that lasts days at a time and he uses very emotionally hurtful words everytime such as F you -itch etc... Now I am afraid it could turn into a physically abusive thing. After the second fight I spoke to him about it and he seemed receptive to what I had to say but it didn't even last through the next fight which has been the last so far. The last fight (last weekend) I ended up leaving and I didn't come back until Sat. night. He didn't seem very sorry for what he had done until I told him that I was. I didn't feel like it was my place to apoligize but I did so in hopes of mending things between us.
We have now been married for 2 months and a few days. I am so disappointed and hurt. It was sort of a mutual trust between us that we would treat each other with a loving and considerate demeanor and would dedicate ourselves to a long-lasting marriage and look at it now. I would have never imagined that I would be considering divorce after 2 months. At the moment we have things on a more normal level but I am afraid to trust that it will remain that way. I love him and I am dedicated to the marriage but I can only take so much emotional abuse and then it will be over because he will turn my feelings of love to hate. I am more mad at myself for making a quick decision to marry him after I have been so careful in past (not commiting after 3 year relationships etc.). I mentioned a marriage counselor last Sunday but he implied he didn't like the idea of that. We knew we would have disagreements but I never expected such a mean, emotionally abusive side of him. I just can't believe it. I want to be with him for the rest of my life but I want to do it happily and if we have disagreements I want to talk about them sensibly. Now I am considering whether or not he will have enough self-control to remain peaceful and if not I don't think I would be willing to have childern brought into that environemnt until I knew things were going to be different. UGH!
Re:A rough beginning jjbswest: wow, only two months. well, i was gonna say marriage counseling but since he is not open to that idea, he doesn't seem to be taking any responsibility for anything. He isn't dedicated to making it work. Usually, if that's how a marriage starts out, it only gets worse. All i want to say is don't put up with it for years and years and waste your life if it doesn't change. If he continues to do this, and he refuses counseling, then maybe leave for awhile until he does agree to counseling. trust your instincts. you said that you are afraid it could get physical. if that's how you feel, you probably already sense it coming. i dont' know. do what you know is best. good luck.
Re:A rough beginning devochic: Good luck.
Your story sounds much like mine except I had dated the guy for years. There was just something different about getting married and moving in together. I left my husband after living with him fo rless than 3 months. It was the third and final time I would move out during the 3 months. But there were bigger circumstances in my situation (another woman) that were not indicated in yours.
Good luck. I would push for marriage counciling. In the long run it will help both of you. My ex also refused counceling until months after I left, and he is finally realizing he did not make the best decisions or choices. Let him know you want help (counceling), but need him there to help you understand your issues. Do not say we or you.....let him know "its for me, but I need your help".
I wish you only the best. Just remember its all about communication....read Men are from Mars and women are from VEnus.
Re:A rough beginning Chey: First off...welcome to the board, and I'm sorry it's under such awful circumstances.
My situation is almost an exact mirror of yours. I moved to the UK to be with my husband after knowing him only 3 months, and we were married within 1 year of knowing each other. I waited until I was 29, so I thought I knew what I wanted, and that I was pretty switched on.
My husband showed the same early signs of verbal abuse and temper as yours...especially when he drank. I stayed for 4 years thinking I could help him through it. And it never changed because I was so ashamed to admit to anyone that I had made such a big mistake that I stayed longer than most people would have. Can I just say, my own personal opinion? Get out. Go stay with your family or a friend...unless he realises that you really will not put up with this, and that your threats are NOT empty...and that you do in fact value yourself a bit more than the way you are allowing him to treat you know...it wil continue. As mine did. And mine ended up exactly where you are afraid yours will.
Verbal and emotional abuse is no less harmful than physical. Please dont be ashamed to admit it was a mistake. You did a brave and wonderful thing taking a chance on love. There is no shame in that. But remember you deserve hapiness and you deserve someone who will cherish you. If you dont feel those things...leave. Ask him to get counselling while you are seperated and meet with him every couple of weeks for dinner in a restaurant if you want to...but you cant go on like this. He will learn that it is ok to treat you this way because you stay.
If you ever need to talk please PM me and I'll be happy to chat.
Chey
Re:A rough beginning amola: stessed......
{{{hugs}}}
your story sounds alot like mine, and i can tell you that mental/emotional abuse is just as devastating as physical abuse. my ex never became physical, but i left him before it did. the final straw was him yelling *uck off *itch" at me at the top of his lungs in front of our almost 5 year old daughter....i saw the terror in her eyes and i knew that i had to stop it so i filed for a divorce.
please, just do what you can to stay safe.....check your phone book for your local domestic violence office and call them. they understand that emotional abuse is horrible and they can help you. they have been a lifesaver for me. depending on how your situation goes, they may have a safe house available for you to go to if you need to escape.
if he isn't willing to change, then he's not going to. you have to protect yourself, both mentally and physically. if you need to talk, im me.....i'm usually around and if i'm not, i can get back to you pretty quickly, k?
hang in there....
:)
amola
