my first post (long one) toonew: Well, i was married in April of 2004. I new that marraige wasn't easy, but thought that we could do it. My husband and I are very different from one another in many ways. He's controlling and I'm laid back. He's a work-a-holic and I'm... not. He's VERY goal oriented and I prefer to live for today. Doesn't sound good from the start... right? I thought we balanced eachother out. I thought that his goals and my flexibility could find a happy medium. And then the truth popped up.
When we got married, it was agreed that finishing school was a big goal of mine, that we would look at eachother as equals no matter what, that we would talk about everything. When i started really looking for a school to attend, he became bitter and resentful that school would cost money that he thought better spent toward the realization of a 20 year life plan. I realized how he viewed our union when he said, 'I thought we were on the same page, but obviously MY goals just aren't as important to you as YOURS."Any time I would mention an aspiration outside of his personal plan, he would say that I was working against him, not with him and that he needs a partner. For a long time, I wasn't sure how to take these manipulations (which I now see them as) until I hit a breaking point.
I asked him to attend couples therapy with me to see if we could reconcile some of our differences and work on the relationship. He had no idea that I was unhappy, he never even paid attention. I had waited too long, and I accept blame for that. i didn't feel comfortable talking to him about how I felt, because it was always turned around on me. I was weak, and that is my fault. If I had addressed this sooner and had more backbone, we may have been able to work some things out.
When we finally attended therapy, I had already moved in with a friend to give us some space. We weren't getting anywhere sharing a home becasue our discussions would just break down. He thought that the therapist was going to look at me and tell me that I have commitment issues and I need to deal with confrontation better. He had no idea that he was going to be told by an outsider that he had "spiritually beaten his wife to nearly nothing". He had no idea how to take this. We went to 5 more sessions before I realized that he was only trying to change to keep me around, because the person I saw in therapy was completely different from the person I saw outside. Yet I still tried to try. I thought if I was patient and gave him the space to improve himself, while working on my own issues as well we would eventually come back together. Then came the demands. He wanted me to stop spending time with my friends (it bothers him that many of my friends are male). He continually demanded money to pay bills, usually over half of my pay checks, even though I was living seperately. I did agree to pay the loan payment for the car that I was driving at the time, but was not bale to make it on time after giving him additional money to pay for repairs that were made on the car months prior, so he took the car away from me. he then took my keys to the house in which all of my possessions reside. It seems that he is trying to use possessions to make me think that I have to go back to thrive. I cannot verify this, but that it how it looks to me.
So now I have been living seperately for 2 months and he has asked for divirce because he does not feel that I am trying. I'm not sure how to try anymore. It's as if I've become emotionally numb to him and do not know how to make myself vulnerable to any attempt he makes because I do not feel that they are genuine. I am at a loss and would appreciate any advise.
Re:my first post (long one) sheydp: Numb is a great defense mechanism, and your body/soul/mind knows you need some defense against his manipulations. You are right to get out of there, you need to feel and be strong for yourself. You sound like you are so well on your way!!! You accept your part in the demise of the marriage - which was in reaction to negative behavior he seems to be getting worse in, rather than accepting his part... There is no one sided work like that that can save a marriage. Don't let him drag you back down! You are so strong now! Stay away, go to finishing school, have your friends - STAY YOU! Good luck!!!!
Re:my first post (long one) CPmommy: toonew -
Sounds like your H has some control issues. Mine does, too. Have you ever considered that you may be emotionally abused? Check out this site:
www.drirene.com
VERY VERY helpful.
It sounds like you need the time to yourself - time for you to figure out what you want. I think at this point, you've done all you can for the "we" part of it - you need to start focusing on the "me" part of it. Get yourself back, do things YOU want to do........then see if you still feel the same way about that jerk.
Just my .02.
CP
Re:my first post (long one) toonew: Thank you, both, for your supportive replies. CPMommy, thank you for the link. It's hard to accept that I've been emotionally abused and just taken it for this long. It feels good to be away from it. I just need the strength to be invulnerable to manipulations. I'm planning on going back to school next term and I'm apartment hunting this weekend. Slowly but surely I'm getting my personality back.
Thank you again.
