small update... wdotzler: First I wanted to thank everyone who has given me words of encouragement and has listened to me vent/ and or babble. I don't post a whole lot on here but I do read a lot of what is going on. I'm not the greatest at giving advice so that is why I just read. Anywho, just wanted to say thanks.
Now for my "small update" :D
I'm now working at home full time. I decided to do this because there were so many days that the kids school was being cancelled or delayed due to snow, I didn't have anywhere for them to go so I was missing a lot of work. I'm not working in the same field that I was in but I will go back to it at a later time. I can definitly say my house is benefiting from being home more. It's the cleanest its been in a long time. ;D Plus the kids are really happy I'm home so much now. Emotionally I am coping ok. I ended up going on meds due to depression. The depression has always been with me, just seemed to be escalated since this all started. I was once on meds a few years back to help treat it but my stbx was an @ss and gave me a real hard time about it so I quit taking them. Now with him gone I don't have to worry about being harrassed about it. I ocassionaly have my "down" days but I am definitly coping a lot better with them.
My boys are happier than they have been in a long time. I was so oblivious to how things were in this house when he was here, but now I can see the change in my kids. For the first time in a long time they are free to be kids. They can make mistakes without the worry of getting yelled at, they can come downstairs and play without being told to go to their rooms. We have freedom and its really nice. I've definitly opened my eyes to how we were living and have promised myself never to let another person treat us like that again. Now I'm not going to say I'm just peachy and everything is grand. I am lonely here and even more so now because I'm in the house alone more now but I think for now I probably need this. I need to find myself and rebuild myself. I still do think about "the good times", but I know that the bad times way outway the good, so I don't dwell on them. I still hurt for the way he did things when he left, but I have come to accept that was his way of doing things, he told me on many occasions that no matter what he did I would always take him back. For the most part I did but not anymore. I didn't even give him a chance to try it again.
I can say that I am honestly terrified of the idea of ever being with someone else again. I don't know if that will ever change and thats too bad. The one thing I kept telling myself when this first started was that no matter what I wouldn't come out of this bitter and afraid to "love" again. Well I'm not bitter but I'm definitly afraid. So anyway's, sorry this turned out to be "not so short", but I just wanted to give a update. Thanks for listening.
Wendy
Re:small update... spankychunks: Wendy,
I could have written the same words you did! Besides working from home full time too, my story sounds so similar to yours.
When my stbx lived with us, he was emotionally abusive. I was always scared I would do something to tip him off and suffer his wrath (of words...not physical). My girls can now play and laugh and be loud like little kids are without having to worry about Daddy yelling at them to be quiet because he couldn't hear the tv. Or stop bothering him because he was reading the paper.
The lonliness is hard, and you are right, especially because I am home all day alone for work.
I remember the good times too, and I too, have to remember that the bad times outweighed the good ones. Lately, I've been having a hard time not seeing that past through rose-colored glasses. I have to remind myself how unhappy I was in order to keep myself from missing him.
It is so nice to know that my situation isn't unique and there are other women out there just like me.
Re:small update... wdotzler: Hi everyone,
Sorry I didn't reply to this sooner, everything has been busy this weekend. Thanks for the replies though. ;D
It's so strange that there were so many ppl living the way I was. I thought it was just me. I have been blaming myself saying that I was just too weak to get out of it. I don't believe that anymore. Yes I could have gotten away from him awhile ago but I didn't want to. I married him cuz I loved him, or at least the person I thought he was. I was naive to believe that he loved us enough to fix the problems. It's ok now, its so peaceful not to wake up and have to plan a day depending on someone elses mood. I can relate to all the things you guys said. I guess our exes will just have to find other grumpy ppl so they can be happy. Apparently happy ppl don't do it for them. :P
Wendy
Re:small update... hardened_heart1970: this will be funny for you ladies, but my kids and i are in the same boat. my ex used to freak if the kids had toys out, and they HAD to play in their specified place. now whats good, is they can play whereever, and we will pick up whatever needs to be picked up.
its cool. they can now be kids, and thats great..
Re:small update... summerparis: My daughter said to me last night that she was happy that she didn't have to see her dad in a grumpy mood all the time, picking fights with me. Me too! She is more expressive and more confident than I've seen her in a long time.
