Unreceived Letters Beren: I spoke to my ex today for the first time in six weeks. She called and asked if I'd gotten the tax stuff from the house we sold last year. I ended up talking to her for probably fifteen minutes, mostly B.S. stuff. She just bought a new house. On one hand, yes, why shouldn't she? But on the other hand, I think about that beautiful dining room set we had and that huge 65" HDTV, and how she basically got almost ALL the contents of the house handed to her in court as if it wasn't worth anything. I wonder how much it would cost *me* to furnish a house? I wasn't planning on telling her about Naz, but it did end up coming out in conversation. She said she was happy for me, and she's glad that we're friends enough for me to tell her about it. Oh, how wonderful, huh? Friends. The "F" word.
Why this all bothers me so badly, I don't know. Given how everything went down over the last 15 months, is there really anything Kim can say that *isn't* just gonna irritate the p!ss out of me? >:( That being the case, maybe I should just cut her some slack now. It's over. Nothing can ever be made right between me and her, so we just leave it as the smoking heap of ruins that it is. Maybe she and I can get together and roast marshmellows over it some day. But I still can't help but feel like there are just some things I want to hear from her, even if they don't change anything. I'll call it an "unreceived letter."
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Dear Beren,
I don't even know how to start this letter. I've been missing you for a long time now. Things just haven't turned out the way I thought they would. I remember when I was considering divorcing you how I thought to myself that you were never there for me. Turns out no one is 100% reliable. My relationship with my best friend from college, whom I looked to for support during the divorce, has deteriorated. My parents have tried to be supportive, but the relationship gets tense and difficult sometimes there, too. I guess I've just come to the conclusion that I'm not very easy to live with. And yet, when I think about it, we were in close contact for many years, with relatively few fights. You *were* there for me. And the sad part is, you would *still* be there for me had I not let you go. I wonder what things would've been like if I had been a little more open and trusting with you, rather than blaming you for my unhappiness. I wonder what things would be like in that nice, big house that we bought together. I wonder what fun memories we could've made last year. I wonder if we'd be talking about having kids soon. I wonder, and I miss you terribly.
About your girlfriend, I know I told you I'm happy for you, but honestly, I'm not. It's not that I want you to suffer, but it just reminds me that I've lost you, and I know I have no one to blame but myself for that. I hate that you're moving on, and I, even though I'm the one who started all this, just cannot seem to. And yet, I can't even scrounge up enough courage to even ask you for forgiveness, much less ask you for another try. Honestly, I don't know what I want to do. I just miss you.
Love Always,
Kim
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Okay, people, time to put on your psychoanalyst hats! Why do I want to hear something like this from her? I think it's all just mental masturbation, really! I never got much validation from her *during* the marriage; why do I feel like I need to get some *now*?
Whatever. It's not like I'm all broken up from hearing her voice today. But I'm sure irritated!
Sugar Beren
Re:Unreceived Letters Lumpy: Dear Sugar-Beren,
I really enjoyed your exercise in mental masturbation. Wait a sec, that didn't come out right! I'm really digging a hole for myself here. I'm sure all of us would like to hear those things come out of our exes mouthes. I don't know why we expect validation from them now when it didn't occur during the marriage....Sometimes its' fun to fantasize.
Re:Unreceived Letters Dino: Beren
I also have fantasised about the words I would love to hear from my ex. Although since I told her never to contact me again, I wouldn't know even if she had something to say. But I too have thought about how just it would be to hear her suffering over her decision.
I really feel that she doesn't care though. We are weird creatures. Destined to stew in our juices for a while yet.
[deleted] naz999: [deleted">
Re:Unreceived Letters jen: Beren,
I think we want to hear these kinds of things because it's what we imagine would bring us that last bit of closure.
I know that what I would like to hear isn't far off of what you imagined...I've had dreams where I have these great conversations w/ my stbxh saying many of those things and I wake up feeling peaceful about things...knowing that nothing will change, but feeling validated somehow by him coming to terms with things and communicating remorse/regret (I don't know...something along those lines)
mtmo
