role + importance of talking
role + importance of talking clambakesX: Do you talk more once you're together with someone, or during the process?
I love a good conversation - about ideas, politics, literature, taxes, science/technology and so on ... especially when these and other topics are entertwined.
Often, though, by day's end I'm pretty much talked out. My idea of intimacy is being able to be together with someone and not need to talk. I'm willing to talk as much as necessary in order to get together, but after that point, primary needs I have are: good conversation and ... silence.
In my limited experience, the other parties involved had very, very different needs in this department than I do. Do most people have the need to talk about lots and lots of everyday stuff once they're in a relationship? What they ate for lunch and extensive descriptions of movies they've seen and such?
I don't seem to have this problem with female friends (with certain women, yes - when I was little, I used to yell at my sister for over-expounding on "details", and my XSILs + XMIL are deities of meaningless drivel) but I don't want to make any generalizations about men based on my admittedly slanted take on things ... any suggestions for overcoming my selection bias? I tend to be attracted to quiet guys, but I'm guessing that those are also the least likely to be talked out, the most in need of someone just to listen to them.
I'm going on vacation from dating, so this falls in the category of what-do-I-want and so on.
teacherwriterguy: I guess I can only speak personally (not sure if I represent most guys).
I love to talk but I like it to be a two way conversation. I do have that "burnt out/end of the day" feeling occasionally. Often (even when still with my stbx), when I'd come home from teaching, I'd disappear into the bedroom to veg/read a book/power nap for like half an hour to recharge my batteries. But then I was ready to engage in the rest of the evening.
I eventually got tired of talking if it was just me though - I really enjoy people who engage in the conversation, who tug back and forth in an argument just for fun, etc.
I think I CAN come off as quiet from the outside sometimes, especially when meeting someone initially, because I am waiting to get a read on the other person.
Once you are IN a relationship, I think it's important to keep engaging intellectually and emotionally that you are with. I'm all for quiet time on the couch, and comfortable silences, but I'm wary of the "rut" and the "routine" as well. I think that it is important even in the relationship to keep up that soul searching and that emotional contact/conversation that got you into the relationship in the first place.
ChristyM: Another very interesting question posed by Medusa ...
I like the quiet time. People that talk just to hear themselves talk drive me crazy. When I get together with police officer boyfriend it's usually only for 20 minutes or so when he's on duty and sometimes we just stand there by his car watching the cars go by commenting on little things. I drove home the other night after one of these little "on duty stints" and realized we had talked about basically nothing. I love this! I like just hanging out and not needing to solve the world peace dilemma or how we're going to feed the world's starving children. Our conversations usually go like this:
Me: Hey, what's up? How has your day been?
Him: Not much. Busy today but not too bad. How was work today?
Me: Good. I really like the people I work with.
Him: Wanna do something tonight?
Me: Sure. I'll be over with a movie at 9:00.
Then I go over and we hang out and cuddle together and watch the movie. Sometimes we talk and sometimes we just enjoy being close. This is fine with me. My work is very hectic and busy so I really enjoy the downtime with him (or others) and just being able to unwind. Even my daughter knows to not jump on me with all her issues from the day when I first get home.
Druid13: I Like to talk as well ....and listen. I think I am pretty good listner and I like to learn about people in general. I like to talk music of course...art...books....movies...sports whatever. Dead silence sometimes is uncomfortable and I am kind of shy sometime initiaing things with coversation but I think I am getting better at that. I went to an after work thing and was talking it up with alot of people ...you have to start somewhere I guess. I am reading alot now too whcih gives me tings to talk about. For awhile there I seriously clammed up and went into hibernation because trhere was nothing on my mind other than the divorce and alot of pain. But I am coming out of that phase finally.
TexaninNH: Well, Medusa, as someone who is extremely quiet (probably to a fault) I understand where you're coming from. I too enjoy a good, meaningful conversation (especially about politics!) but don't care much for endless small talk. As for whether it changes when actually in a relationship...well, I have no idea :P. I think I relate my quietness with the fact that I am so literal. I chose each word carefully and try to think (foolishly, I have found) that others do the same. I should also attribute it to the fact that my STBX is a 'talk-a-holic' who can never seem to be quiet. Never. Seriously, I never really found the need to talk with her around, she did plenty for both of us!! Granted most of it was misinformed, but she defintiely went for quantity over quality.