Am I crazy? lone star: It has been six months since I discovered my boyfriend, of five years, contacted a prostitute. I found out when I got home from a two week vacation and she called to set up an "appointment" with him. He claims that he contacted her while I was away and set up a meeting with her but then got too scared and never followed through with it.
The only reason I found out about her is because I remembered her phone number and called it two days later and made up this story about how I was into kinky sex and wanted to see if she would meet with me. That is how I found out it was a prostitute. I have had to lie over and over again to find out about his lies. He maintains he never had sex with her. But I don't believe him.
We were going through a tough time in our relationship when he contacted this prostitute. I was working in a job that I wasn't happy in and I think my slight depressive state was hard for him to deal with. But anyway--in the last six months since we broke up we have tried to be friends. But I don't trust anything he says. I thought at one point he was seeing a mutual friend. I didn't think they were having sex--I just thought he was hanging out with her because he missed our friendship. I asked him over and over whether he was hanging out with our friends. He said no--but I didn't believe him. He has been so manipulative and deceptive throughout our relationship about his sexual interests. We went to counseling...and then two and a half years later my worst fear came true--that he would go outside of our relationship and meet some mistress or prostitute. I know all of this sounds crazy--but really I have always been a "normal" person. I just loved him and put up with stuff that before our relationship I would never have put up with. In the meantime, I have had to clean up my mess of a brain. I have spent the last six months so depressed, angry, resentful, and irrational. I have isolated myself from people because I was going through such a difficult time--and I was so embarassed to talk about my experience. So instead of going out and having fun on the weekends--I became reclusive. Now, six months later I'm still experiencing these neurotic/abnormal feelings. I think everybody I know, who doesn't know the specifics about what happend thinks I have gone off the deep end. And I sometimes think I have as well. How will I ever be able to trust anybody again? I almost have a self-hatred. I often wonder what I could have done to prevent this. Maybe if I hadn't been depressed or unhappy at work--he wouldn't have done this? Maybe if he loved me more--he wouldn't have done this? I'm 28 years old and I am a beautiful woman but I have no self esteem now. My job has suffered because I'm like a space cadet. I can't focus, I feel like my brain has turned into mush. I used to be a relatively happy person--now I hardly smile or laugh. I'm constantly distracted.
Please give me some advice. How do I break this sick spell that has been cast upon me? When will I recover? It has been six months and I want my life back and I want myself back.
Re:Am I crazy? Dino: Hi lone star. You have had to deal with a far worse situation than me.
I don't know how to break the spell myself. I'm slowly getting better, but I haven't been able to get out of it. I too am distracted constantly. My thoughts are always of my ex.
I think going out would really help though. Being reclusive won't help. You need to get back to doing social things again. That's what I have found helps me anyway. Being around friends and going out to socialize really helps me.
Re:Am I crazy? lone star: thank you for your advice. I do need to get back to my once normal life. I used to be happy, fun, outgoing,--but I have lost all of that along the way.
I'm writing about this because for so long I have kept this locked up inside of me. I can't torment myself with this anymore. I have kept his secrets for so long-and they have started to destoy me. It's so embarrassing--and to everyone (including myself) it sounds like a weird and twisted screen play. The whole thing makes me sick and yet I am forced to confront the reality of what happened on a daily basis. I have to move on--and yet I don't really know how to get over all of this and put it behind me. I know at some point I would like to date again--but I find myself wondering what if I get into another relationship and find out that person has some strange secret? How will I ever trust again? I don't know--maybe more time will help-I hope so.
Re:Am I crazy? A002702: Lonestar, You mentioned screeplay, I bet if we wrote a screenplay of our experince through all of this, we would make millions. And that would kill our exes. I would even use her name. Man, wouldnt that be funny to see on the big screen. Talk about sweet revenge.
Cd
Re:Am I crazy? jencderby: Lonestar,
My god - your story sounds so familiar it's scary. I just heard a message to my husband from a girl calling him "baby" and saying she "can't wait to see him tomorrow". He told me that he's been going to the stip clubs because we've been having some problems and he's lonely. The call was supposedly from a stripper - she was just calling one of her "regulars" to wish him happy birthday.
I too am very normal - how the hell did we end up in this bazar life?
I too have been through major depression and know the whole isolation routine, actually I can feel myself starting it up again. You are so embarassed about what's happening that you don't want to talk to anyone.
Well, some advice on how to get out of depression - MAKE yourself get out of the house. No matter how absolutely horrible it sounds - get out! Exercise is one way to naturally give yourself the endorphin kick your brain needs. Also, pay close attention to how you feel about social situations. After you go somewhere - analyze how it was. Almost always it's not as bad as you think its going to be. Starting to be honest about how you feel and not letting the depression tell you how you fell is a huge step in the right direction. Then maybe next time you won't talk yourself out of that happy hour, or movie with some friends.
It may not feel like it yet, but starting to do anything to make yourself feel better is the beginning of feeling better. The fact that you want to get better, means you will! You will find a way to climb out of the depression hole.
Good Luck! Charlotte
