Scared noclue: Hi all,
I found out my husband cheated on me right before Christmas. We have been together for eight years and married a little over one year. He cheated on me 6 years ago but I chalked it up to immaturity. Since this last affair which was with a married co-worker (he said he kissed her twice) I have found out that he has kissed a few other women over the course of our relationship before marriage. He moved out at the beginning of January. He said that he wanted to repair the relationship but that he needed to move out to clear his head. Since then he has not attended counseling. I go every week. He still told me that he wanted a relationship and that he was just scared of hurting me again which I wanted to believe at first but then I came to realize that that was not the truth because he moved in with a female roomate and refused to move out stating that he was in a good place mentally. Also he did not make any attempt to go to counseling or win back my trust. I had resolved to move on and was trucking through the grieving process. I just found out last Wednesday that I am pregnant. I told him and he would like to get a house and go to counseling to try and make it work. I am terrofied of being hurt by him again. I don't feel that he loves me when he had written me off before and now suddenly I am pregnant and he loves me and wants to make it work. I am so torn up inside. He is the only person I have ever loved but he has damaged our relationship so much. I love him/hate him and do not trust him. I don't want someone to be with me because of the baby. It is so confusing because two months ago I wanted his children more than anything and now. I don't know what to do. I am considering all options. I am scared. :'( Any advice?
Re:Scared teacherwriterguy: Yikes - you do have some tough choices ahead of you. I'm sorry for you and the child-to-be that things are happening in this way rather than the way you probably pictured them. :(
What kind of family support do you have? If you choose to go it alone without the husband, who is there to fall back on?
My gut instinct would be to avoid the instinctive decision of his to buy a house - until you are more confident of reestablishing the connection with him, my guess is that a house will make things more difficult rather than less?
If you did not want to pursue the marriage given the previous damage, what part would he want to play in the pregnancy/child's life?
You don't have to share details but consider finances too - who has what job? etc.
An initial consult with a lawyer is not a bad idea either - most will do the opening consult for free and at least you can get a sense of what all the legal implications are.
Those are the initial things that popped into mind for me. Seriously, good luck, make tough choices, be strong. Everyone here is always willing to lend a helpful ear.
teacherwriterguy
Re:Scared sheydp: That is so very tough - my neice went through a similar thing - you are not alone!
I agree with teacherwriterguy - on almost all counts! (Like your style, dude!) I would like to add just a little - what kind of daddy would he be, what kind of mommy will you be with him there... I don't know about you, but for my neice, having him around distracted her from caring about her son - she was too busy worrying about her ex's next move...
I also want to really go double on the not buy a house... If your heart wants to make a go with him, go for the counseling, let him come to Dr visits... Watch your own reaction to him as much as you will be watching his - does he make it easier or harder? Babies are tough on relationships - you need to make sure you are able to get along for yourself and your baby, not be getting added depression from his contact. If he really means it, and he really does change, time and counseling will show it - don't rush into it!
As I sit here with my neice's baby on my lap, I am proud of her making it on her own... I wish you the best!!! You will be ok either way!
Re:Scared paul76: Trust is probably the biggest thing in a marriage....nothing else really works without it.
About your pregnancy....Two people who dont love each other do not provide a good environment for the children. Kids pick up on that kind of thing, maybe not for a while..but they will.
I know you are scared, and understandably so....have you thought of going to support groups or something of the like for single mothers. That would be a great way for you to get some information on what it is like to be a single parent. It shouldnt effect whether or not you take your husband back, but it would give you some insight to what lies ahead. That way you are aware of and can plan for the of the challenges single parenting brings. Remember millions of people do it everyday...be strong.
