New at this achingallover: Hello out there. I'm not even sure if I'm doing this right. I need someone to normalize what I am feeling. My soon to be x told me he wanted a divorce about a month ago - and I"ve been running around like a crazy person. Totally emotional, never knowing when I'm going to have a good day or bad. Mostly bad at this point. We have been together for 10 years and I am absolutely beside myself with grief. One of the hardest parts is he's the one who's divorcing me and he's the one who wouldn't even go to couples therapy - and he's the one who's mad at me! He wants me out of the house yesterday! He works from home and I'm in the process of getting my master's degree so I haven't worked in a year. I"m a mess and he is making me feel totally horrible for being a mess. He is not allowing himself to have an emotion about this, and I think that hurts almost WORSE than the fact that he's giving me das boot! This is the hardest thing I have even done in my life. I have not gotten out of bed all day today - except to fight with him for a moment when he stopped in from staying at a friends and to get on the computer. I'm so tired of feeling sad, and enraged and confused beyond belief as to why he is divorcing me.
I know you all can relate!
Thanks for listening
aching
Re: New at this justmenow: You are perfectly normal.
He may be having emotions, but don't expect him to show his emotions like you do. Besides, right now you need to take care of yourself. Leave his emotions to him, it's not something you have to deal with.
I know it doesn't seem so, but things do get better. Just rememer to help yourself - that is your first priority. Don't try to hang on or he will just try harder to get away. Fight the urge. Use your support system, be it friends or family or support groups or counselors, whatever helps you to cope. This board is a great place to be. We're all human and damaged here, so you'll fit right in! :)
Re: New at this achingallover: Thanks "just me". I'm so overwhelmed. I'm trying to stay focused on me but I'm cycling through all the grief stages right now and dealing with my head telling me all the things that I'VE done wrong. It's horrible. And of course, thought of what I did wrong wouldn't be there if he hadn't planted the seed. All my broken defenses and insecurities are sitting at a round table in my head talking crap about me and I am privy to the infomation! This is horrible. And I say again, this is horrible. I truely am aching all over - inside and out.
Re: New at this bendeceived2003: You are not alone!!! All of us on this board are feeling the exact same things, so don't ever think that we think you're "crazy". I am feeling the same way. Actually, there are good days and bad. The Saturday of our anniversary, oh my Lord!!!! Does the word basketcase ring a bell???????? I take everything so personally now and worry myself to death over it..... But, I have been told-TIME DOES HELP.
We are here to help one another-lay it on us!!
Re: New at this hurtingverymuch: aching, you don't have to normalize what you're feeling. All of us have been there, done that, or doing it. Being totally emotional is also something to be expected. Take each day as it comes, each hour if need be. At least that's the way I've been getting through most of my days, especially this past weekend. Some days I've hit the entire grieving cycle in less than an hour only to start over again an hour later.
As far as him not having emotions, don't count on it. I totally agree with justmenow though, he's not going to show them the way you do.
Don't ever feel bad about being a "mess" and don't ever let him make you feel bad about this, but try to stay strong in front of him (I know easier said than done). But there's one thing I learned in the past month and that is that begging and pleading for him to stay or try to work things out when he doesn't want to only pushes him farther away and makes the situation worse. Even if it takes every ounce of energy you have, try to go out and do something for yourself, just for your, no matter how small.
Also, take care of yourself first. This place will help alot for strength and support. Remember we're all here with you.
Hope this helps you a little and take care.
Hurt
