Need Support achingallover: Hey guys. I'm sorta in a mess today. I just got back from mediation with my stbx. The mediator was great. It's so hard, though, because right now I am living in our house and he has been out of the house all week and came back today and then he is out tomorrow for 4 days ....then back again. I am having a hard time because each time I see him again after not seeing him for days, I completely crash afterward. Then, on top of all of that, when he has been home, he has been ignoring me and then he got mad at me last Sunday becuase I didn't sign a lease on an apt that I was supposed to (I didn't sign becuase I don't have anything legal in writing about our financial stuff - and I wasn't ready). So, yesterday, I he called me and said that he was sorry and he realized his ignoring me was hurting me more. And he said he has been in alot of pain and hurting and crying but he hasn't been showing me that because he's been protecting himself. It's just so hard because he's hit a new level of understanding in this thing and I wish he would hit a higher level of understanding. He is a great person and we have more assets in our lives together than deficits. In my opionion, our whole sitaution is due to us having no idea how to communicate with each other since we started therapy a year ago. In my mind, he is totally giving up on us out of sheer laziness in not wanting to learn how to communicate. He would never agree to go to couples therapy, yet he has been in personal therapy all year. I just can't understand why he doesn't consider what we have worth fighting for - or even giving a little effort for. I feel so betrayed...
I know you all know what I"m talking about. This is all so crappy. I don't understand how someone can take a 10 year realationship so lightly! :'(
Anywho, thanks for listening.
Re: Need Support grober: achingallover,
Just heading to bed and thought I'd spend a few minutes on-line.
You are in the worst part of the beginning. I remember it well. Just know that with time comes healing and greater understanding about the nature of your relationships and even yourself. If you are committed to growing as an individual, you can emerge from this nightmare a better person.
Hope you have a better tomorrow.
:-/
Re: Need Support JASPER: I wish I had the answers to the questions you so desperatly seek,but only he can explain what he is feeling.I know I'm tired of fighting but weve had promblems are whole 11 years toghether so you can see why I'm tired.Maybe once you seperate you each will be able to see things diffirently maybe you can steal work it out.Me and my stbx seperated many times and then got back toghether again so all is not lost if you both want it.Try to take each day as it comes because today he may feel guilty and say a lot of things you want to hear ,but tomorrow could be something totally diffirent.Try not feed into anything right now it will only make you crazy. I hate to say it but this is just the begining for you it is already a hard road to walk down so try not to let him make it any harder than it has to be .
Re: Need Support achingallover: Thanks, guys. This totally sucks. There is no other way to put it. I's crazy, because between the 2 of us being in therapy and me being in grad school to ge my MFT, we have been able to piece together our story and why we married each other. The problem is, when we got together, we got together for certain psychological reasons. His psychosis fell in love with mine and vice versa. Now, it's 10 years later, and in my learning about us and him and myself this past year, I've come to realize, that as an adult, in an adult type of way, I would choose this man for a mate. the vail of the psychosis of our relationship has been lifted. It's like, when we were younger, he chose me for unhealthy reasons (and I him as well, but he pursued me hard) and now, 10 years later, I'm choosing him for the man he has become - not for the kid he was. But I guess it's too late for me to choose anything. I don't know if ANY of what I just wrote makes ANY sense. I guess time will make it better...but how much time?! I want to feel better now, as I'm awfully tired of feeling crappy, and it's only been a little over a month since he dropped this bomb on me. UGH! ???
Thanks again for the kind words-
hugs-
steph
Re: Need Support JimB: Yeah - it's hard when the one you love turns their back on you. Been there. :-/
He may be a great person, but the fact remains that he is treating you poorly and acting as if you no longer matter to him. There are a ton of great people in the world, and many of them make better decisions than he is making right now. I'd say the most helpful thing for you right now would be to look at the reality of what he is at the moment, rather than the potential of what he could be. It's not your responsibility to bring out his (apparently well-hidden) greatness.
Are you in counseling yourself? I'd recommend it. The support available here is great, but it's not professional.
And I think someone mentioned before that he's probably not taking the relationship lightly. Most likely he just made his decision long ago, and has had plenty of time to rationalize it. And let's face it - who's to say it's the wrong choice for him? People change. There's a gajillion reasons why he may think it's a good idea to leave, and nearly all of them have nothing to do with you.
Just keep doing what you have to do for you. One day at a time. You will be fine - I promise.
