Is my wife a lesbian?
Shortly after marriage she confided in me that she had been with another woman just prior to our marriage date.
At the time I was in a little shock but figured hey we were not married at the time so I just let it go. About a month ago she told me that she had had sex and spent the night with a girl.
I was very upset on the inside but did not want to show it so I could keep the line of communication open.
During that night when she told about her overnight-er she admitted that she had had sex with another girl who is/was a mutual friend. So now she has slept with at least 3 girls that I know of possible more. We both lead busy lives and have no children at this time. I am at a crossroads on what to do. I keep on thinking what would I do if it was a man that she cheated with and what kind of double standard is this b/c it was a women.
At this point I really do not know what to do I love her, but feel betrayed and fear that I may have difficulties trusting her in the future. I also fear that she may desire to be lesbian. I have no personal problems with a gay lifestyle; I think people should live how they want to.
I hate the idea of making a decision that is so big. At this point I am lost and do not know what to do this is the kind of topic that would be very difficult for me to discuss with any family or friends.
Re:Is my wife a lesbian? Shanna: have you tried just talking to her about it? Maybe she is just waiting for you to ask?
Sorry this is happening to you...Glad you found us!!!
Welcome to Ojar
Re:Is my wife a lesbian? CoryL: Welcome to OJAR. I'm so happy that you have found this place. It will help you a lot.
My friend, I have a story not unlike your own.
My ex-wife and I were together for five years, married for a year and a half. She had never been with a woman prior to our marriage, but had been dropping hints that she was interested. I, of course, didn't pick up on them until it was too late. She ended up cheating on me, with a woman, and then decided that she was gay. I asked if she was bisexual and she said no. I've come to believe that bisexuality is a stage. I think you eventually find yourself with men or women. We signed the papers last Thursday for the divorce because I couldn't live like that.
I DO understand where you are at. I know what you are going though and how you are trying to rationalize all of this.
I know about the double standard. You have to ask yourself whether you can live with and be married to someone willing to break your trust. I couldn't. I didn't want to be with someone who wasn't in love with me, just for the sake of staying married.
Be thankful that you don't have children. Especially in your situation. We don't either and it has made things much better.
I hope that you don't think of yourself any less than you normally would because she has been with women. It isn't ANYTHING to do with you more than likely. You are not at fault here.
You need to be honest with yourself and with her. Ask her if she is gay. Ask her why she has cheated. Ask her what she wants. If she has any feelings for you whatsoever she will be honest with you.
If I can be of any help through this process, please let me know. I've gone through what you are going through. If you have any questions or need to vent, PM me and I will listen.
Keep your head up.
Re:Is my wife a lesbian? CoryL: [quote author=Frideon link=board=1;threadid=8346;start=0#msg66317 date=1109617414">
No, she's not a lesbian, she's a bisexual. (I know, splitting hairs.)
I wouldn't say that this early.
Just because she married a man doesn't mean she can't be gay. The feelings may have started to surface later in her than others. She may very well be gay, and it has just taken longer to realize.
Re:Is my wife a lesbian? browngreen: Wow Cory is here for you. That's so awesome.
I'd say she is bi sexual. It reminds me of the movie She HAte Me.
I have wondered if my STBXH is gay. NOt that he's been ative with men, but he did kiss one once, a mutual bi-sexual friend of ours who was in crush with my H (this was before we were dating) . Most straight guys wouldn't kiss another man, no matter who he was, or what his feelings were, I guess.
But the thing your situation makes me think of is a feeling I have now that I didn't have last week:
That if my H is gay, or whatever he might be, it doesn't matter. Your wife is trying to be herself, trying to deal with loving you and having these tendencies, and it can't be easy to be her. She needs to be a whole person before she'll have anything to offer anyone.
I"m just realizing that for me and my H, this means letting him go to be who he will, and meanwhile keep communication open.
Do'nt get me wrong, we are still getting divorced because I don't beleive he can be who needs to/grow the way he needs to grow and be married/or be my Husband.
But I love him, no matter who he is or what he becomes. He has to be authentic to himself.
Maybe it will tuirn out that we make better friends than anything, or maybe ew'll be more than that. I have no idea. BUt I do know that once I love a person, I have to love them no matter what they do. If it hurts me, then I have to not subject myself to the hurt by not being a prt of it, and love them from afar, as a friend.