She doesn't know what she wants....

She doesn't know what she wants.... drmmr67: Hey, guys, I'm so glad a friend found this board for me. I'm new to this stuff, and last night, when I was directed to the site, I just started adding to the threads, but tonight I feel like I need to expound on my situation. I knew my wife had these little tendencies for a while now. We have known/dated each other for 13 years, married for 5-1/2 years now. In December, she got caught with a good friend (classmate) of hers. Her friend was a known lesbian, in a relationship, and her partner called me one Sunday morning to reveal that they (my wife and her partner) had been seeing each other secretively for some time. They told her partner that it had only been going on for 3 weeks, but my wife, usually not one to hold anything back from me, told me it was more like 3 months. Since then, she has moved out of our house, into an apartment with this other girl (to "get her head straight and figure out some things"). That lasted a month. Being the good, providing, understanding, and confused husband that I am, I helped her move into an apt. by herself when their relationship went sour. I couldn't allow her to move back into the house at that point, not that she wanted to, but we thought it best that she finish up the last few months of school on her own and in the process try to figure out what she wanted. She says she still loves me, but I know it's not to the degree that I love her. It may have been in the past, but something's apparently changed. And that is the hardest part, next to the fact that she CHEATED on me for three months. I try not to lose sight of that. it doesn't matter that it was a guy or girl. She chose the company, the affection, of someone else over me, and that's what hurts the most. It's not that I'm not a passionate guy, she will be the first to tell you that I work harder than anybody at that. But if it's not there, you can't force it to be there from someone else. I pray for her, and for us, every night (every time I think about her, really). And since she is my first love and, I believe, my True Love, I can't let her go right now. Basically, it is up to her whether she wants to try to make this work. She's got to make the move to convince me that she's ready to commit to me 100%. Because that's what we should expect, if we are to take our vows seriously (which is, unfortunately, not too common these days, which makes it admirable when someone does take them seriously).

Well, I'm really not sure where to go from here... I guess it's just a waiting game, until I can't wait any longer, huh? ???

...any thoughts?
Re:She doesn't know what she wants.... tyrogers: Wow. I think we have all been in that situation at some point in time. I could be brutally honest and say 'WTF are you thinking'? I could state it like everyone else DOES and say 'hang on and see where it goes'. BUT....we ALL know (and everyone on this site will agree with me on this one)...this is something that YOU have to deal with and YOU have to make the decision on. We have all been on either side. We have all tried to hang on. We have all seen where that goes. BUT we cannot tell you what to do.

All I can say is hang in there....keep your chin up....smile more than usual and if you need ANYTHING...we are here. We all will accept IMs and we all will listen. WELCOME to OJar honey!

(((((( BIG HUGS ))))))

Tyleena ("Ty")
Way Down South in 'Bama
 Re:She doesn't know what she wants.... Chase: Hi and welcome to Ojar,

Your situation is so similar to mine, well apart from your wife having an OW rather than an OM - but your explanation is so right - the pain of having a partner become emotionally and/or sexually involved with someone else, to the exclusion of yourself, is horrific. We can't make our wives love us, but understanding that doesn't help if they seem unsure or unclear of what they really want.

I am also waiting for my wife, who won't say that it is over between us, but doesn't seem to want to make an effort to rebuild our relationship either. She keeps saying that I should work on myself at the moment, and that I shouldn't be working on the relationship with her. It's a no win situation though, as far as I can see.. my relationship with her is part of who I am, I can't just seperate that out.

Be strong, it sounds - like me - that you're willing to give her some time to decide. Can I tell you that it is incredibly hard but I'm sure it is worth it - one way or the other. I want to know that if things don't work out, I at least did everything I could. For your own benefit, however, you might want to think about setting a time limit on waiting.. 3 months, 6 months, 12 months. Something that allows you to mentally prepare for the worst while you are waiting, so that if things don't work out you'll be able to move on. Nobody should have to go through this stuff indefinitely.

Good luck, and post here often. The people are wonderful!

Chase
 Re:She doesn't know what she wants.... drmmr67: Thanks, Chase. I know what you mean. It's so much worse when there's no closure. Several people have made comments about "the 'd' word" to both of us, and when she talks about their comments, it almost infuriates her that people "jump to that conclusion". I keep telling her, "well, it's not really that big of a leap - we're already not living together, and isn't that what married couples who love each other do?"

But for now, I know that I really need to hash out my feelings for her. as soon as I think I've got the feelings under control, I see her, or we talk, or "hang out", and all those feelings come flooding back ::) So much for having everything under control.

As far as the time limit is concerned, she's finishing up nursing school in May, and that was always the time-frame I set for this whole "experimental phase" in her life. It's just that this other relationship reared it's ugly head before we got to that time limit. I know I can't rush her, I can't make her decide how she feels, but I also know I can't wait forever. It'd be bad for both of us.

Thanks for the support, and I'll be pulling for you and your situation. Nice to know there are kindred spirits out there :)
 Re:She doesn't know what she wants.... depressionsession: oh man just got over that situation bro.
ive been with a girl for 11 months.. and she told me one day that she needed time.. period.. she said she wanted to be alone and have time. so that was fine at first.. but no contact nothing.. and no answers or reasons.. i loved her and still do but thats why im letting her go.. i want her to be happy and if she really wanted to be with me id be there. she used to come home from work and take her bad day out on me and complain that i kiss her too much and am too damn nice. haha ya cant win. so im gonna lte her go and be happy and find someone who dosent like that cuz affection is one of my needs. you cant change for anyone.. be yourself ive learned that. never feel like theres something wrong with you just because you arent what your girl wants you to be you gotta be you and thats it. so i finally figured that out after a week or two of crying every day and not eating and throwing up making my self sick from being depressed. take care brother take it day by day i did and im alright now.. not fully recovered but im doin pretty damn good. pm me anytime man anytime.