wifes affair part 2 satellitemojo: Well it's been a month since I discovered my wifes affair and true to form, she's starting to minimize her affair. I warned our counselor that she would probably do this. She does answer some of my questions, but now she says that it was just platonic (sp), they weren't more than friends. I caught her meeting him on 1/28, but when we talk about it, she says, "it was only phone calls". It was 470 phone calls from her cell phone alone (I'll have our home phone records next week). The affair lasted a year. She claims they only met alone the one time, and that they never discussed the affair or their feelings. Of course he sent her two text messages saying he loved her. She claims she never saw them. That's probably true, but I'm sure he asked if she got his text messages. It still feels like she is lying/covering something up.
She says she loves me and is feels horrible and that it was just a big mistake. I have a problem calling something a mistake that lasted for 12 1/2 months.
I still haven't decided if I'm getting a divorce or staying.
She claims no physical contact of any kind. They work together and this doesn't exactly make me happy either. I just don't believe her, not yet at least. I've consider a polygraph, but she's already trying to say that the polygraph isn't accurate enough, and what if it says she's lying and she's not. She says I've already told you the truth, you just don't "want" to believe it.
What do you think. I look forward to some input.
Re:wifes affair part 2 Dino: Geez, I really get the feeling that she is lying to you. I think she suggested the polygraph thinking that you wouldn't take her up on it. Now that you seem like you might, she is worried because she will fail it.
I would tell her I do want to believe her but since she already betrayed my trust in such a terrible way that you feel it is the only way you can regain that trust. If she is telling you the truth and she loves you and wants to be with you then she should realise that you dont trust her and she has to regain that trust.
She may not want to talk about it because she is lying. People have to be very careful when they lie because they have to remember every single lie they tell. If they dont remember all the lies they tell the run the risk of contradicting themselves with later lies. Its my feeling that your wife is is full of s*&t and she knows the more you ask and the more she has to make up, the greater chance she has of getting caught.
i think stick her on the poly. ask her all the questions you want. i think she should have to answer them once. if she is telling the truth, you cant keep asking her. it will cause you both more pain to keep bringing it up. but until you have your answers, you will never be happy.
maybe im just a horrible cynic but thats my advice
Re:wifes affair part 2 bill23: I'm with Dino on this one, SatelliteMojo... he's done a great job of presenting a calm response whereas I got kinda incensed at her. I don't really know you or her but I *strongly* suspect she's lying. I think the polygraph stuff is bogus... you don't need it. You don't need to bludgeon her into acceptance, you need her to come to it on her own (i.e., if you intend to try to stay with her). She has to be TOTALLY honest... I mean, completely about every single thing you might ask her from now on. And if you have to force her to be truthful about this, you KNOW she's not ready for that. I might be even more cynical than my bitter buddy, Dino, but I think these situation's have less than a snowball's chance without that willingness to be honest. In my experience, there's an emotional and psychological immaturity that leads someone to lie and cover up and continue to lie constantly because they can't face up to the consequences (or even the fact) of their own actions. I'm sorry, SatelliteMojo, that I can't offer any real advice but I squarely fall in the camp that suspects she's lying through her teeth. All the best to you, my friend... and please feel free to take all my babblings with a huge grain of salt! :)
Re:wifes affair part 2 fivepointedstar: Okay, the way I see it, if you're getting into talking about a polygraph there's something wrong. If you can't confront her on the subject and know that you can take her word on it, you're already in trouble -- no matter what her answer is.
So my suggestion -- take the affair out of the picture. Examine your relationship with your wife given that you're not sure whether she had the affair or not, and go from there if you can. My guess is that if you can't believe her on this then there are probably some trust issues going on that really need to be examined.
My STBX and I have had some pretty difficult times but I always knew that I could ask him an honest question and get an honest answer. Of course, we've had plenty of other problems.
I feel for you -- the limbo thing is the hardest part of any of it.
Re:wifes affair part 2 Chase: Hi Satellitemojo,
I know how you're feeling, and I'm so sorry. My wife also had an emotional affair, and can't seem to work out why it hurts me so much.. I don't know how you regain the trust, particularly when she can't accept what she did. My wife also refuses to accept it was an affair. How do couples get past such a difference in views.
I believe my wife won't accept it was an affair because she can't live with what that would mean about her. It may be the same with yours.
I lean towards fivepointedstars response. You know, whether or not it was an affair, whether or not it means something to your wife, she understands what it really was or not, you can't "make' her realise what it means to you. Only she can do this.
The affair, or whatever it is, cannot be undone. It is there now. Nothing your wife could say can remove the hurt, or restore the trust you felt before it happened. That means that for you both to have a future together you need to look at your own relationship. Part of this means you need to move beyond it, and look at who you are and what you want. Your wife will only be able to reconcile her own past and feelings when she's able to see you for who you really are.
I hope you can find a way through this as quickly and succesfully as possible, but be prepared for hard work! Even though the problem does not seem of your making.
Chase
