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it begins - seperation

it begins - seperation Chase: Well, I asked my wife tonight if she felt up to talking about marriage counselling (see my previous post for full story)

She was up to it!

She started by saying that she didn't think we could keep living together, and that marriage counselling would not work because we'd have trouble leaving what was discussed alone. While I didn't agree with this, I said, well we need to go to counselling one way or another.. we just can't communicate at the moment, and we're in a downward spiral and unless we break out of that, it's only going to get worse and worse.

Well, out of this we talked seperation, and we're going to start dealing with issues over finances, kids, marriage counselling.

I feel this weird sense of relief, and new certainty, but at the same time a profound sadness. I knew that she wanted to talk seperation after the way she responded to me asking to talk about marriage counselling last time.

I can't feel much hope that we will actually sort things out, but to know that we are going to stop this cycle of conflict is an amazing relief, and I get the feeling that if there is any chance between us, this is something that has to happen.

At the same time, because I accept that we may not be able to resolve our marriage, this feels like a positive step towards moving on and ending a situation that is really bad for both of us.

Isn't that strange... either way things go, this feels positive! And at the same time I'm incredibly sad, and feel like I've failed!


Chey: Hi Chase,

I know exactly what you mean....relief because you're starting to actually move away from status quo. Stagnating is sometimes worse than making a move...ANY kind of move.

I'm so incredibly sorry that this is the path that things must take. You sound like you still want to keep a very open mind with the hope of reconsiling, and perhaps in time she will be able to start talking things through.

In the meantime please take care of yourself....keep talking to friends who care, and keep in mind that we are all adults, and within each of us we are responsible ONLY for the actions that we can control, and our emotions. Your wife is responsible for her feelings and her actions....and will have to learn to deal with them her own way.

Big hug Chase,

 NoEscape: hang in there chase. It sounds like you are making progress towards.....something. I think all of us in this situation just want some type of resolution--whether it be seperation, divorce, reconcilliation(sic?)---something.
Anything is better than limbo. At the very least you will get your wifes true thoughts about your marriage and you may come to the realization after hearing those thoughts that it may be YOU who doesnt find the staying married an appealing option. Who knows ? It sounds like things will get better in the near future chase...better for you personally. Not necesarily the marriage. But maybe that will get better too... Your only in control of what you control ---keep that in mind. Best of me if you ever want to chat. I am pulling foryou to feel way or another.
 dj: [quote author=Chase link=board=1;threadid=8669;start=0#msg68648 date=1110202450"> Isn't that strange... either way things go, this feels positive! And at the same time I'm incredibly sad, and feel like I've failed![/quote">

It is indeed strange but oh so very true! I remember feeling just exactly this way just a few months ago. Hang in ARE on your way to healing!

One bit of dj's wisdom here (if there is such a thing)...I don't think of this as failing! You have done everything you can to keep your marriage alive my friend...sometimes it just doesn't quite work out. It does not mean you have failed anything!

Just continue to work on yourself...learning about yourself and do some serious soul searching...I have learned so much about myself during my divorce. I almost have to thank my ex for this, LOL. Seriously though, I would not know the true dj had it not been for my divorce. You may find the same thing somewhere down the road. In the meantime...hang in there!

 slowlearner: Hi Chase, i guess the relief part comes from you knowing all along that this is what she would say, so now you don't have to wonder any more. You're right, moving on is better than staying stuck in a bad situation, and now you can make real plans, whatever they may be.

Be prepared though, you're on the rollercoaster now, and you may not always feel so positive. Make a plan and try to stick to it. If you need to get something out of your system, don't tell her, tell us.

Good luck matey, we're here for you.

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