confused, lonely, angry, list goes on 'n on....
confused, lonely, angry, list goes on 'n on.... joeykttn: ok... so this is what i asked for, huh? Nights of crying, sleeping alone, and askin' myself why???? I know I wanted him to leave, but every part of my being is screaming for him to come back. OUt of love? Or just selfish lonliness? I dunno. ???
He came over this weekend, and helped me with the insulation in the house, since it's a project we had both been putting off, and I wouldn't let him stay the night, even though my daughter begged me too... He was here almost all day Saturday, and most of the day Sunday. Everything was peaceful, just a bit of tension underneath. Yesterday, I knew that he had his first counseling session, so I called him to tell him that I was proud of him for going, and that I hoped it went well. I also told him that if he still wanted to, I would consider going to marraige counseling....something I've been swearing I would NOT do, no matter what. I THOUGHT he'd jump on the opprotunity, but boy, was I wrong!! He said, baby steps.. I got alot of other things to work on first.. I don't now if I can handle that and my own counseling all at once.....
Now, I KNOW in my heart that he is right, but I was floored. I was instantly angry and hurt and confused.. I know that he has to work out his own issues before I'd want him back, but I guess I just thought that he would react different. I'm angry at myself for offering. I'm hurt at his reaction, and I'm angry at myself for being hurt by it. I'm angry that I want him back, I'm confused by that...
I just don't wanna be alone.. and all I've ever wanted was for someone to love me and my kids. I know he really does love me, I just don't know if I should hold on to that and deal with my own unhappiness, or if I should let it go in the hopes of finding it again aomeday.
*sigh* It seems like there's so much more I could say, but the words just don't come...
Can it be you are more in love with him than you thought. Maybe you are. Being alone sucks and so does the crying and all. Maybe you see the bighter side of it again.
Have you seen changes in him that you wanted?
If yes then that could be why you feel the way you do. Whatever the reason you should at least act on them. You never know what could happen when you do.
I hate to put things this way. But you need to work on the loneliness and turn it into independence. The pain of loneliness is borne out of the insecurity of being alone. I have been there and once I developed myself into an independent person and could live on my own. I realized I was as lonely as I used to be. My new slogan is "I don't need a woman in my life, but I want a woman in my life" Basically I can survive on my own, but I choose to have a woman around. You will find when you no longer need him, but choose to have him around you will be happier. An aside is as you turn independent, you will appear much more attractive to him.
hope that helps,
rhismom: My marriage was not good for many years yet I clung to it mostly out of fear. Long ago, he managed to systematically destroy the love I had for him (the kind of love a wife should have for a husband) but I still felt "affection". Make sense? I was not IN love with him. However, Fear kept me in the marriage. Fear of being alone, fear of loneliness, fear of supporting myself financially, fear of EVERYTHING. Then when I discovered his cheating suddenly I had to put the fear aside and just do what needed to be done. I knew he wanted out of the marriage too and it was so humiliating to think of staying while knowing he felt that way. I'm so afraid right now....my divorce has barely begun. I was always told that courage is being afraid but doing what you have to do anyway.
Having said all of that, let me say this--if you truly are still in love with this man and he with you and both are willing to go to counseling then it sounds like maybe it doesn't have to be over yet. Just don't let your FEAR make the decision for you. Fear will control your life if you let it--it controlled mine for far too long.