Why isn't guilt enough? lemondrop: Shouldn't guilt be enough to keep people from breaking our hearts?
How come they don't feel it?
How come they walk away unscathed?
I know... I know... everyone says "they will get theirs... just you wait... it will all fall back on them... blah, blah, blah"... you know? I don't believe it... I think my ex is doing cartwheels without me and he's not looking back... and I just don't get it... how can guilt not rip him to pieces the way it does me? How come? Are we just so fundamentally different that he doesn't feel anything??? I would DIE if I did to him what he did to me... but he never even flinched... he was fine with what he did as far as I can tell... didn't care one bit... boggles my mind... really, it freaks me out...
Re:Why isn't guilt enough? jen: ld~
I think guilt affects people in different ways and not all wounds are visible for us to see. You don't know how guilt could fester in his soul, affects the way he sees himself and the world...it's just so hard to tell.
I'm not sure that I really believe that my stbx will get his someday...as in a karmic retribution thing, but I do know this...I can move forward in my life knowing that I did everything I could to save my marriage. I can truly be free of the past, and any guilt, because of that. I'm sure that sounds a little self-righteous and I don't mean to, but I know that he CAN'T have that.
His moving on comes at an expense. He lost the respect of many people. He lost a lot of his own self-respect. He is playing the victim in his own life - out of weakness, that he was so unhappy (blah, blah, blah) - and he doesn't take responsibility for his choices. I don't think he sees himself as the architect of his own life.
And, at this point, it doesn't matter if he does walk away unscathed...because his choice, on a fundamental basic level made him a man I can't respect, not because he made a mistake, but because he couldn't take ownership of it. I know that I would not be able to look at myself if I had done what he did...so I would never choose to become that person, but that is my OWN expectation of myself.
So, long winded way of answering...in order to feel guilt about breaking our hearts, they have to have the same expectations of themselves that we would have for ourselves, to hold themselves to a different standard. And, in the end, I think it shows that they actually think very little of themselves in terms of who they are capable of being...
mtmo
Re:Why isn't guilt enough? lemondrop: MTMO - OMG - wow - what you wrote was scary in a profound and beautiful way!
Can I just tell you this: I one said these exact words to a friend of mine, "I did everything I could to save my marriage. I can truly be free of the past, and any guilt, because of that." ~ that was seriously strange to hear you say that!
And playing the "victim' - I swear, our exes must be one and the same!!! My ex acted like I was to blame for everything because of all of my "demands" (never mind the fact that he was banging someone new - uurrrgghhh)... but everyone that knows me, tells me that I'm the most undemanding person they've ever met... it's just crazy...
I don't get it, but it helps so much to know that I'm not alone - thank you!
LD
Re:Why isn't guilt enough? jen: ld~
I heard the same thing...it made me wonder if I didn't expect enough of him...didn't expect him to be accountable as a full partner. I let things slide.
Not that I think "demanding" is the way I'd go in the future, but I think that it will occur to me to *ask for more*
funny, how they can turn it around, huh? And, you are definitely NOT alone!!!!
mtmo
Re:Why isn't guilt enough? kissingkim: [quote author=MotivatedToMoveOn link=board=13;threadid=9015;start=0#msg71291 date=1111028243">
And, at this point, it doesn't matter if he does walk away unscathed...because his choice, on a fundamental basic level made him a man I can't respect, not because he made a mistake, but because he couldn't take ownership of it.
[/quote">
Oh yeah, that is exactly it. I could probably forgive anything, or just about, but the complete denial of wrongdoing is beyond me. No, not just denial, just utterly oblivious to what right or wrong is, where decent men and women would feel shame or regret, he just doesn't have it in him.
Motivated, you said everything perfectly, I am not even going to try and expound on it. I think you helped me see things a bit clearer too. Thanks so much.
Hugs to both of you ladies, it is nice to know we aren't alone.
K
