sexless marriage?? ebkawai: Hi, I'm new here. I'm also at my wit's end in my marriage. I've been married for almost 16 years to a really nice man. We have 2 kids, ages 9 and 15, a great home, we're financially stable. We get along great. The thing is, for about as long as we've been married, he's had problems with impotance. Sometimes things are fine, but most times things are not. He says he loves me, is attracted to me, and that's what I don't understand. Doctors have ruled out any physical problem, he's not on any meds, etc.
If a man is attracted to a woman and wants to have sex, then doesn't it usually happen?? Early in our marriage, things weren't that great relationship-wise. Back then, he blamed me for his inability to get an erection when he couldn't. When he could, he was OK towards me. About 2 years ago, I was just about ready to leave. I do love him, but I just can't live like this anymore. So I told him I couldn't and he became very apologetic, saying he was sorry for blaming me earlier in our marriage, that the problem is his and that he would get help. He is seeing a therapist, but it's not getting better.
How long does a person wait to see if life will ever be better with your spouse? I've waited nearly 16 years. I don't want to wake up and find out that I've never really had the love I need in a relationship. We've talked about separation and divorce, and even "open marriage." I had a brief affair last year. Big mistake, but he forgave me and knows that living with him like this isn't easy for me.
I have no idea what to do. We don't want to divorce because of our kids, and we really do get along very well. We never argue very much, we go out on weekends, it looks great from the outside looking in, but I NEED SEX. I have no idea what to do.
Has anyone else been in this situation? Any wisdom would be much appreciated.
Thanks,
Lisa
Re:sexless marriage?? confusedinca:
Hi Lisa,
I don't have any advice for you but just wanted you to know that I can totally sympathize. My husband isn't impotent, everything worked fine when it happened, he just was never very interested and unless I initiated, months would go by with nothing happening. We've been married 9 years. I would talk to him and cry and buy books, etc. I was overweight for a lot of our marriage and thought maybe that was it although he always assured me that it wasn't and that he was attracted to me. Two years ago I lost a lot of weight and nothing changed so I guess he was telling the truth. I ended up having an affair too, which I also regret. My husband never found out about it, at least if he did, he never let on.
There were lots of other things missing in our marriage also like communication & thoughfulness. Very empty. It felt kind of like a business arrangement with me taking care of 90% of the business. We get along pretty well too & didn't fight. There just wasn't any romance. When I would see other married couples flirt and make sexual innuendos toward each other I always felt like such a freak.
Anyway, didn't mean to go on & on but you obviously struck a nerve. My husband & I have been separated for 8 month and I getting ready to move back home (with reservations) and give it one last shot. I told him I couldn't live in the same marriage we had before.
Hopefully someone here will have some good advice for both of us.
Take Care
Re:sexless marriage?? teacherwriterguy: While I can't comment on impotence, I can talk about low sex drive in a marriage - it's complicated I think whether it's a guy or the woman.
I don't know that it's necessarily about whether the one partner finds the other attractive - maybe that's too simple? Sometimes it's a communication issue between partners. How well can they talk about what's really bothering them? Sometimes it's a trust issue for a partner - can they relax and let go or are they holding something back and why?
Anxiety is so easy to snowball and the more anxiety, the harder a normal sex drive can be. Sometimes those kinds of problems just take on a momentum of their own. The longer they last, the harder they are to confront.
I can say that people hold their sexuality, in most case, pretty near and dear to their hearts. The husband may need to be confronted very directly, consistently, lovingly, and often in order to face up to the issue. When a private part of a person's personality is at risk, most people can become conflict and stress avoiders. Sometimes the fall out and pain of ignoring the low sex drive, as bad as it is, can seem easier than confronting the tougher issue of addressing the low sex drive.
twg
Re:sexless marriage?? ebkawai: Wow, that sounds so much like us. :(
Thanks so much for sharing that. It helps to know that others are out there that have experienced this too, though I would never wish it on anyone. I'm sorry for what you're dealing with.
It also felt a LOT like a business arrangement to me until two years ago. Then he became more human and seemed to realize that this wasn't working. I know he's trying, but I think his own upbringing made him really unable to express love and romance, etc. He's in therapy now, and we've been to marriage counseling three times (I mean three different times in our marriage, not just three sessions). Things seem to work for a while, then go to pieces again.
I guess I just don't know if we should keep trying. Maybe I'm just not the right woman for him. It doesn't seem like he's attracted to me. I'm fit, I work out a lot, I don't think I'm ugly (my ex from the affair made me feel very desireable and beautiful, so I can't be that bad to look at), I have a very good job as a chemist so I'm not a doltz or something, LOL. I'm active, I fence and ride horses and garden, and am starting a business.
WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?????
I'm just lost. I have no idea what to do.
Re:sexless marriage?? ebkawai: [quote author=teacherwriterguy link=board=1;threadid=9077;start=0#msg71809 date=1111183317"> Sometimes the fall out and pain of ignoring the low sex drive, as bad as it is, can seem easier than confronting the tougher issue of addressing the low sex drive.
[/quote">
I think that's a big part of it. I feel kind of helpless because I can't do any of the "work" for him. I can't fix him. I do love him, but I don't know if I can keep living like this.
