Re:I'm scared, and I don't know why. AloneandCold: His words are not nice words and you have good reason to feel hurt by them. Did he act like that before he was deployed this time? Has he actually seen action? You said you should have stop this ride a long time ago, was it for the same type of things?
Bug
I'm scared, and I don't know why. itwentbad: I have been married to my husband for over three years. I got married to him when I was 21 and he was 20, he was in the military at the time and we were both so in love that it seemed so right.
And it was good, for the first two years. I gave him everything he wanted, I worked 11 hours a day, six days a week to make enough money for us, and to support his crazy spending habits. Everything he wanted, each decision he made, every question in his mind, I was completely there for him. We did good, being 1300 miles away from family, just he and I. Then, he left for his second deployment and I came back home. Man, at the time, I didn't want to come home. I cried, I begged him not to send me back home to our families. I knew that it would be so bad for our marriage, but in the end, we decided to go that route. Now, here I am, 10 months later and I can't even summon the slightest bit of joy when I think about him.
I try to recall when it just went downhill. It was obviously hard on us, being seperated. We fought all the time, mainly because I didn't visit him mother often enough. I have always admired how close he is with his family, but in the last few months, I have heard so much stuff in the form of "I will never choose between you and my family, my family always come first.", "Don't say my families name, you don't want to be a part of them, you can't talk about them.", "when I get home, you won't be spending all that time with your mother, don't even think it.", "don't ever raise your voice and speak my brothers name, don't do it, you don't deserve to." and yeah, I guess this would be okay if I were violent to his family or calling them such vile things...this all comes from me not seeing them as often as my mother in law would like.
I have never felt comfortable with her, but I could never put my finger on why. I went without seeing her for three weeks, which of course caused my husband and I to have a massive blowout. Well, I go over there finally one day and just hang out with her and I find out that my brother in law is going to visit my husband. Which is great, I have always adored my brother in law, but then she tells me "oh yeah, my sister got a free airline ticket so we thought (insert brotherinlaws name) should fly down to see (insert husbands name)." .....this was for valentines day weekend. Yes, her sister works for the airlines and gets free tickets all the time. So, I was kinda shocked and I brought it up to my husband...and he told me that his mom was doing something nice for him at which time I told him that it would have been better if she had asked him what he would have liked. I hadn't seen him for 2 months by this time and things were starting to really get ugly, fighting all the time, name calling. He tells me "you don't even see her, why would she want to give you a plane ticket.." and, it's not for me..ya know? It's for my husband. So this is how this family works, you do what you are told and you get rewarded? Obviously my husband and I didn't have the money for me to fly out there, or I would have.
Now, this isn't the reason I want out of this relationship. This is just what made me open my eyes, what took the blinders from my vision. I have tried so hard to be a good wife, not perfect, I know I could never be that. But good. Last night, I talked to him on the phone and I was so upset about stuff going on in my life here and all he could do was tell me to go see his mother about something she needed and I literally begged him to just listen to me, I needed to talk to someone and all he could do was become defensive, telling me to shut up, don't start. It wasn't even about him....I just needed to talk to him, I was reaching for that comfort I used to get.
Needless to say, didn't get it. So here I am, for the second time in my life, seriously considering divorce. He comes home in a month and I keep thinking I should feel happy about that, but I am not. I just feel dread. I am so dissapointed in him, and I am so angry that he wont stand beside me, and not let his family batter at us. I am so upset that he can't even be there to support me, even if I need comfort for a stupid, idiot thing. The thing is, I don't know what I am waiting for. Looking back, 20/20 hindsight thing, I can see where I should have stopped this circus ride long ago, but I was so blindly in love with him. I mean, I still love him, I wouldn't want anything to happen to him, but I know I am not in love with him and I certainly don't feel as I did before we became these two strangers. I loved him so much, everytime he came into a room, took my breath away. Now it is gone and I feel so robbed, robbed of emotions and time. I am not happy, and I want to be happy. I want him to be happy too and I really, really really don't want to hurt him. I just wish I knew what to do. I am all out of answers.
Re:I'm scared, and I don't know why. itwentbad: First, let me thank you for replying, I could just use all the opinions I could get right now. Well, for one..this last deployment was just rotation, no action. His first deployment, when I was still living at the base, was during the iraq war. He ended up coming home a month early because his stepfather passed away. After that, he formed this drinking habit, bad. My husband has been verbally abusive before, several times. After his first deployment, he did become physically abusive once. He promised never to do that again, and he never has. I told myself from the beginning that he just had a bad temper and we could work through it, that I could make it better. I know that sounds so stupid but I was young and blind. So, yeah...to answer your last question, it has been this way for a while. Just this seperation has made it so easy for me to realize what is going on, what has been going on. I like my in laws, I just really think my mother in law is a very controlling woman, and she wants this very tight community of family and I don't fit in there because, in my eyes, I should only worry about pleasing my husband. Don't get me wrong, I would never disrespect her nor any of her sons. I just feel like his priorities are all screwed. We don't have any children, and I feel like I have really gave away too many years already. What if it doesn't change, what if he doesn't get better? We can't talk, he is so defensive. He wants me to morph to please his family, just so he doesn't have to tell them to 'stop complaining, she isn't perfect, but she is mine.'. I wanted to go visit family in florida, and he refused, because he doesn't know them. I asked to fly out to the base early for his homecoming, so I could catch up with a friend. He said no, doesn't know her. I used to think he was just so concerned about me, and didn't want anything to happen but now I know this is his way of controlling me. I asked him months ago for us to go to counsling, or at least just let me go. He refused, telling me that he will only go when I fall out of love with him. I have already done that, and it's too late. I don't want to give anymore into this relationship. I don't want to try, I am so so drained. I have no idea what to do, I am sad for the loss of my feelings for him, but that is it.
Re:I'm scared, and I don't know why. AloneandCold: Of course I am going off of limited information but just some of the things you said make me thing that he has maybe picked up the controlling tendencies from his mother. My ex pulled things like that on me the first couple years of my marriage, I let him. Now when it is too late I am left with no friends. Verbal abuse is just as bad as mental abuse, think of it as beating you up on a mental level. I know how hard this decision will be for you, I am the one who left my husband. It took me years to do it, though in truth it should have been done within the first couple years we were married. I have come to the realization that people do not change unless something life shattering happens and then only if they themselves decide they need to. No amount of you begging him to be someone different will make him so. I also understand your lack of feelings for him; I was very much to that point when I pulled the plug on our relationship. The way I see it is I did not kill the marriage. The marriage was already essentially dead. It is like you start out riding this horse, only after a ways the horse falls over. Instead of realizing its dead you put it on your back and keep walking. You figure since you are still moving the horse must be alive. Finally you start to think that maybe the smell means its dead. So you set the horse down and kick it. Now because when you kicked it, it moved it must be alive. You don't take into account that you’re kicking it just made it seem like it moved. So you pick it up and keep dragging this dead horse around on your back. Well I finally realized it was dead and no amount of kicking it would make it alive again. Just because I put a bullet in its head doesn’t mean I killed it. It was dead to begin with.
Hope I didn't lose you, but do you know what I mean??
Bug
