I miss "you."
I don't know if you'll ever get this letter, so if you're reading this, something must've provoked me into giving it to you. There's a lot of things I want to tell you. So many I could probably write and write and fill up a notebook or two. I just have so many feelings locked up inside. Most of them are filled with anger. What I'm about to tell you are not those feelings.
Nights are hell for me, especially after [our daughter"> goes to sleep. The house is just empty, there's really no other way to describe it. The ticking of the clock in the kitchen echoes throughout the house. Sometimes the crickets start chirping outside. If it's raining, I can hear the drops hitting the kitchen vent. If it's windy, I can hear the wind whistling through the bathroom vent. If it's really late, I can hear the coyotes howling down the road. I often leave the TV on, just to hear a voice aside from my own, hoping that maybe, just maybe, your voice, any voice, is just on the other side of the sound. I'm just so lonely.
I miss you. There's no other way to say it. I can't put into words how much I miss everything we had together. I miss seeing you get excited in a store because you see a cow. I miss you asking me how a pair of jeans looks. I miss the way you cook. I miss waking up in the middle of the night and hearing you breathe next to me. I miss staring at you when I know you're not looking. I miss you getting frustrated because you're cold. I miss you venting to me after your mother pisses you off. I miss being able to look at you across the table at dinner and see the eyes of an angel. I miss your gentle kiss. I miss YOU.
The thing is, the "you" that I miss is not the "you" that is reading this now. The person I miss no longer exists. It's like she died. But it wasn't like she died of natural causes. Or died of cancer. Or died of an automobile accident. It's as if she committed suicide. And the worst part is that I caught her with the gun in her hand. And for 93 days I begged her not to pull the trigger, to give the gun to me. But for what ever reason, she felt like if she gave the gun to me, I would've pulled the trigger, and she would've rather done the deed herself. And she did, right in front of my face.
And I'm left here, alone. Alone with the daughter we shared. Alone to raise her like I thought her mother would've wanted. Alone, with no one to share the joy of watching her grow up. Alone, to teach her what is right and wrong. Alone, to explain to her why "mommy and daddy" don't like each other.
Re:I miss "you." hope: I just wanted to say that I feel badly that you are going through the pain that you are in. It seems like suffering that way, coping with a huge loss, is the only way to get through this with the hope of eventually having a better life. I am really sorry that you are going through such a difficult part of that right now.
Re:I miss "you." down south xhubbie: Nights are hell for me, especially after [our daughter"> goes to sleep. The house is just empty, there's really no other way to describe it. The ticking of the clock in the kitchen echoes throughout the house. Sometimes the crickets start chirping outside. If it's raining, I can hear the drops hitting the kitchen vent. If it's windy, I can hear the wind whistling through the bathroom vent. If it's really late, I can hear the coyotes howling down the road. I often leave the TV on, just to hear a voice aside from my own, hoping that maybe, just maybe, your voice, any voice, is just on the other side of the sound. I'm just so lonely.
I wrote something almost exactly like this when I first separated from my ex. During the first three months when I lived with my mom, I would wake up with horrible night sweats and walk the floor back and forth back and forth back and forth constantly on the verge of having a nervous breakdown.
Then I moved into my new rental. I didn't even have a bed. I couldn't afford one. I put my son to bed in the bed that I had bought for him. I slept on a loveseat that was given to me by relatives. I remember laying there and looking up at the ceiling and hurting so much. I felt like my heart was being squeezed inside my chest. During the day, it might've been even worse. I was constantly walking over to the blinds and thinking she would drive up any minute to ask me to come back home, because my rental is only about 1/4 mile from the road that she takes to go home. Guess what? She has come to see me on many occasions now, but it's only to pickup or dropoff my son.
ok, now what was that I was mentioning about reconciliation? :o I think I just changed my own mind. :(
Re:I miss "you." ga_sunshyne: I know how u feel dsxh, I too only lived less than a 1/4 mile from where my xh would pass by my house with our son on his way to his GF's house. Not once did he ever just stop in to say "hi", "how r u?" KMA or anything. I never slept, could not eat. I would sit on the front porch for hours on end playing with the neighbor's pet raccoon. Once in a blue moon he might ask me over to dinner, but on those rare occasions, there was always an ulterior motive. I often wondered, is he lying to her about us the way he lied to me about them???? Only now I am the OW and not the wife or GF that is being cheated on.
Dang it, depressed again. And on such a beautiful day too!
Re:I miss "you." terragon: i read your letter because i used to think the same thing about my ex...i miss "you". because he had two faces that i saw, the one he put on for the world and the one he showed only me, or so i thought. the "you" he showed me was sweet and caring, loving, my best friend, my favorite companion...the face he showed the world was conceited and callous, obnoxious even...by the time i saw this face, it was too late. i was already in love with the other side of him...to this day i wonder which side is real, or if maybe both are fake...sometimes i still miss him, when my baby says "dada'' or when she gets that disgruntled look that reminds me of her father when he had had a bad day or something. she has his eyes...i loved his eyes, looking into them. i think that's what got me...he'd look into my eyes, wordless, for hours on end...and i was in heaven. anyway, i wish you all the best. stay strong...and yeah, the tv and radio are always welcome friends who fill up the silence...