Phone calls i_sing_alone: I wrote this one awhile back, when I was calling him every night, struggling with what to do, what to say; wondering what I wanted to hear, and actually would hear. It's tough.
Heart racing, like someone closing their eyes and jumping
I choose to jump in with both feet
Nearly nightly
I squeeze shut my eyes as the rings continue
on the phone line
Thinking to myself-
What if he doesn't answer- I will lay awake and wonder
What if he does- what mean things will we say?
And yet, I call
It's like reaching out a hand in the darkness,
Waiting for someone to hand you a light
Your fingertips sometimes brush mine
But mostly I feel the darkness further close in
No light peeks through
Darker, it feels, when the line is dead
Darker than before I reached
Darker because we pushed
Did I do the right thing
Should I have called
Is it worse to argue
Or worse to wonder
And now I say I need to heal
When what I need I don't know
Not this.
Some magical combination of words
Time-travel, an outlet for words or tears
I feel worthless
Used-up
Exploited
Alone
What can you do
you ask
What can you do
How can you have done this
I ask
How can you have done this
That feels like it will never be undone
