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lost a piece of yourself?

lost a piece of yourself? massconfusion: Do any of you guys feel as though you've completely lost a piece of yourself through all of this? I feel as though there won't be "all of me" there in the next relationship I have if I ever decide to put myself out there again. I mean, there are times during the day when I feel like the strongest person on earth--I am programmed by nature to survive, and I know I will. But there's a piece of me the rest of the day that feels like shutting down completely because I just can't deal with everything that encompasses a situation like this. It feels so overwhelming at times. I know I can't shut down because I have two little people that depend on me, and someone has to play the adult here and be strong enough for the three of us. Also, all the logistical stuff, then I get to deal with...

OK--so for 10 years, he and I told each other "I love you" at least once (usually more) a day, and NEVER hung up the phone without saying "I love you." And they weren't just words we tossed around--we were devoted and adored each other, and then, out of nowhere... how do you go from wanting to buy your wife a platinum diamond ring for your 10th anniversary (which would've been in December)--he was planning this in February-- to "I don't love you anymore and I want to leave" in May? I just have the hardest time reconciling this whole situation. It's not like we were always at each other, or hated each other, or even disliked each other. OUCH.

Tired of the things whirling around in my head. I wish they would just stop. It's been over 3 months, I thought it was supposed to get better as time goes by, and it's actually gotten a lot harder.

Just can't sleep--
justmenow: I used to think that (a lot) until he became not a part of me anymore. These days, I figure he lost a piece of ME. I am a good person and he had me in his life and now he doesn't. Too bad for him. :P I know that probably sounds arrogant, but it's just the way I feel.

There will not only be all of you in the next relationship, but once you're ready to date again, there will be more. If the "tossing around" of I Love You is an issue for you, then you will be very careful the next time around when saying it. For me, I will listen to my gut feelings more and question more if I feel something isn't quite right. These are lessons learned that we carry forward.

Your feelings are completely understandable and warranted right now. Just accept them, figure out why you feel this way, and build on that. This is called growth and it is good. You will be not only survive this, but will emerge a better, wiser woman. Believe it or not, things ARE getting better, just not in the way you expected. Someday you will realize that once some more time passes. If you are bothered a lot by it, counseling really does help (and posting on OJAR like a million times a week) :-D

 notmyself: i feel like a part of me is dead as a result as everything. i am in a new relationship and of course things aren't going to be perfect all the time. when things don't go perfect i just shut down inside, like i can't deal. i can't handle disaccord for the most part now. i walk on eggshells when i feel like this because i still feel like i did something to make my stbx not want me. i am just having an f'd up day. lucky me. :(
 atd74: MC,

I lost a lot of who I was DURING my tribulations in the marriage and know I feel I am regaining all of who I was back. I do understand what you feel. I still feel that a little piece here and there is missing and I am slowly trying to build myself back up again.

It really does get easier with time it's just that everyone takes their own steps to recovery. So you haven't gotten as far as you thought you would by now - it's only been three months. This is all still fairly fresh and everyone has their own way of dealing. Don't base your recovery on how others are doing. Take me for instance, my divorce was final in May and almost instantly I regained most of "myself" and bounced back quite quickly. This is because I had the chance to deal with the emotional and mental divorce long before the final papers were drawn. So much had happened in our marriage already that it made me WANT out of the marriage.

When there is no warning and no sign of distress as you say then it's going to be a lot harder to accept the circumstances. Give yourself the time you need to work through this. All you do is gather strength from your friends and family (including your OJAR family), get up each day and try your best (especially for those two little ones), and move forward the best way you know how.

Good luck.
 down2basics: I feel like each time you enter a relationship (serious) and then it's broken - you've lost a small piece of yourself to that person...but it's really not lost. That person carries you with them for the rest of their life...never to be the same again...and neither are you. It's just the way this relationship system works. To be in a must give of "yourself" and in so doing, it's never returned....

FWIW... ;D


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